stuck

i have recently found myself saying to people "In the past 8 months I feel like I have done nothing with my life".  An overstatement, yes; but in comparison to the past 3 years, it's easy to understand why I might say something like this.  Since having a baby, I have been no where.  I have done nothing.  (or at least it feels that way).  Prior to becoming knocked up my insatiable wanderlust has taken me all over the world from Costa Rica to Cologne to Jerusalem to L.A. to New York City to Tel Aviv to Tuscany, Chicago, Regensburg, Puerto Rico and yes, even Paris.  Perhaps I just have a really bad case of wanderlust....or perhaps the Lord is trying to teach me something.  It has been 8 months and I feel stuck.

A few weeks ago a friend and I were talking and she brought up feeling "stuck" as well.  She said she always hears that song by U2 in her head "You got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it".  I hear it too, playing over and over again in the unconscious parts of my mind, but somehow I know; I have to believe I can "get out of it", even if I'm not traveling somewhere exotic.  There's just this part of me that never planned on being a stay-at-home-mom, and I am struggling everyday to not only keep my sanity, but also keep myself from falling into the quicksand death trap of feeling sorry for myself.  

I've never been the type of woman who feels whole or complete staying at home, cooking, cleaning, organizing, baking and raising children.  There are many women who do feel a full satisfaction from spending their life doing these things, and I seriously applaud you.  Being a home-maker is a beautiful thing, I am just having a very difficult time adjusting to this being my full-time and ONLY role.  It only feels like half of my life is being lived right now.  Like I'm not living to my -nth degree.  But when I do have an hour of time to myself when Noah is napping, I am so exhausted that I just drink hot tea, curl up on the couch with a blanket and read a mindless book.  By the time 6:00 rolls around I stand back and assess my day, and always come up empty-handed.  What did I even DO today?  Everyday has become the same routine, the same scary, monotonous routine: dishes, laundry, groceries, change diapers, go for a walk, drink a ridiculous amount of coffee, feed my boy, check facebook, send some emails and make dinner.  Did I really sign up for this?  How do so many women make this their life?  

Enter Holy Spirit.  

Yesterday I woke up, fed the little prince, played with him, then put him down for his morning nap.  As I sat on the couch and began writing my "To Do" list for the week, I shuddered at my complete lack of motivation to do ANYTHING.  I was totally content to just drink coffee all day, (or even all week) in my pajamas and leave the growing mound of dishes in the sink, the rancid trash over-flowing, the baskets of laundry stinking and everything else in my life unkempt....and stinking.  As I lay lifeless on the couch, digging for purpose and vision I found a tiny bit of determination somewhere under a couch cushion to at least start on the dishes.  Slumped over the sink I began scrubbing and cussing a little.  It was in that moment I heard the H.S.  

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.  Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..."  

Oh boy.  It repeated over and over in my mind through every dish and every diaper and every grocery that day.  Each time I heard it my saddened heart became softer, sweeter and more forgiving of my own disgusting selfishness.  By the end of the day I came to the conclusion that seasons are seasons and I won't be in this one forever (please God).  I won't be "stuck in a moment and can't get out of it".  I already am out of it.  I realize I must stop focusing on myself and what I think I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now.  I am Mom.  I am needed here.  I have work to do - however tedious, absolutely mind-numbing and utterly annoying it can be.  My conviction is clear: to do whatever I do in the name of the Lord Jesus.  I should be giving thanks as I do it.  Working with ALL my heart, as if I was scrubbing these dishes for Jesus himself and changing my son's stinky bottom so Jesus can hold him without passing out.  I won't be in this place for the rest of my life (please God), but I am learning and growing and being taught patience among many other things.  Thank you H.S. - you never fail me.

Benny

this is a story i wrote like 2 years ago.  public radio was on a mini-tour down the south eastern coast.  i always meant to blog it.  better late than never.....right?

He was a simple man, short in stature and easily overlooked.  Dressed to kill as a street urchin in a dark and faded track jacket, some stone washed jeans dated 1988 and tilted backwards on his round little head was an old ball cap that read Penske in washed out letters.  He came in and out of the kitschy, southern coffee shop briskly kindly telling everyone he saw to "be safe tonight, you hear?"  he spoke to me and i smiled.  he smiled back with a crooked, toothless grin and said "i've missed you".  as he wandered back out into the cold night it was hard not to notice his glasses.  they were well worn and forced to stay together with large pieces of masking tape, leaving little room for his dark, beady eyes to peer out from behind them.  Just enough of each lense was left un-taped to see that he did indeed have a sparkle in his eye.  

We set up our gear, ate some delicious vegetarian food, drank some fresh-squeezed limeade and began playing the set to a mostly empty room.  A quiet chess game of three men; two, young shop keepers were busy behind the counter making lattes and quesadillas, and one other headphone clad man at his laptop became our audience.  During the middle of our second song, the beady eyes behind the masking tape came in and stood cheering so loudly that the headphones came off and the chess game took a pause.  As he rooted through his 1988 stone washed pockets he yelled:  "You guys are gonna make it BIG!  You hear me?  You're gonna hit it!  Hit it BIG!  You're gonna be Big.  You're gonna make it.  And I got yer back, you hear?  I ain't gonna let anyone do anything to stop it.  The big times!"  He got close to me on stage and motioned for me to open my hands.  He dropped a crumpled dollar bill and some coins into my hand as he said "Here's my beer money, hunny".  I smiled and asked him his name.  We dedicated our next song to him.

This one goes out to Benny.  (it was Miss America)

He loved it.  The man with the headphones kept them off and made a phone call to a friend to come see the rest of our show.  The girls behind the counter came out from working  for a bit, and another girl who had been biking came in for a hot tea.  Benny loved the rest of the show and cheered incessantly after each song.  More people came in and by the end of the show, we actually sold some cd's and made some friends.  As we all packed up our gear, Luke had a talk with Benny and asked him what he thought heaven was like.  With a glimmer in his eye he answered sharp as a knife "It's a whole lot better than this place. Trust me, man".  

Later we sat outside and talked a bit more with Benny.  He informed us that he used to live in the Bronx and was apart of the Bloods gang.  But that now he just wants to help people out and keep the streets of Savannah safe.  "But I tell you guys, if anyone were to mess with you.  I got yer back, you hear me?  I'd mess up anyone that tried to mess with you guys.....in the name of the Bloods."

He didn't fool me.....I knew exactly what he meat....the blood of the Lamb that is.  My dear friends, Benny is one of the many guardian angels sent to this earth to be safety patrols and prophets to those who choose to do the work of the Lord, and see His kingdom come.  

Benny's got our back.  He'll take on anyone in the name of the Blood.