March 17, 2009

being helpless


so...i had a baby.  he's pretty much the coolest thing i have ever experienced.  labor and delivery were an utter nightmare and i would prefer not to write that whole story today.  so i won't.  but i do want to express a profound thing the Lord has shown me through my sweet, little Noah Fox.

mark got a job, so i have been home alone, running errands alone, and unfortunately Noah does not enjoy car rides - alone.  he is fine right up until i close his door and get in the driver's seat where he can no longer see my face.  he cries and cries no matter how much i try and soothe him with my voice.  eventually he cries himself into a frenzy of sorts and then if i'm lucky....falls asleep.  it tears me to pieces not being able to calm him....even if it's just a 10 minute drive to the grocery store.  once we arrive at our destination and he sees my face again, he's totally fine.

i realized that i am not so different from Noah in this situation.  the Lord puts me in the back seat and i am strapped down to a chair, for my "safety".  i can hear His voice occasionally, but still i cry and scream because i feel as though i've been abandoned.   since i can't see Him or feel Him holding me, i instantly lose trust in Him.  i no longer believe that i am being taken care of.  and by the time He does come to me in an intimate way, i have spit up all over myself and am usually sitting in my own poo.  He cleans me up, holds me and reassures me that He was always there.  He never really left.  

all the while it was breaking His heart not being able to calm me with just His words.  all He wants is for me to trust that He has not left me, and trust that He is taking me to my next destination.  that He is in control of my future. that i am strapped to a chair for my own good, so the transition doesn't kill me.  He knows best, and is always looking out for my well-being.  jeremiah 29:11

aren't we all a mess?  i believe we are so much more helpless than we even realize.  my sweet Noah is showing me so much about myself.  may He learn early on to not only trust me, but also to trust the Lord.  

4 comments:

Rachand Merchel said...

wow... did I ever need to read that today. thank you:)

Grubers said...

so powerful, so touching, so what I needed to hear..I love you

kaci said...

keeping you in my prayers. i would still love to catch up with you on the phone.

lissa north said...

yeah, that was awesome.